I'm so sick of.. everything. Myself, my one-sided relationships, my inability to lose weight, my complete lack of math knowledge, sick of our school, sick of our house, and kinda sick of my family, too.
I'm tired of not being able to give back to my friends. Nauta drives me to fun events on occassion, Tiff drives me to and from school, as well as giving up some of her old dresses and clothes to help me get a new one, pays for my lunch at the mall, pays for Taco Bell every once in a while when we're at Dan's, and Dan.. pays for more than I can even mention. I mean, aside from the expensive machine, he's blown probably five hundred dollars on me, probably more. I might not let onto it, but I really feel horrible, people buying me things, when I can't either return the favor or even provide for myself. To provide for myself, I need a job, and for a job I need a car, and to use I car I need a license, and to get that license I need experience and my behind the wheel certificate. My certificate seems to be missing, and my parents, even in my mom's unemployment and my dad's stay at home worktime, have not yet had time to take me driving.
Yeah.. if there's not a medical reason for my "rapid weight gain" or whatever, I think I might break down. As you have probably read, a couple months ago or so I was afraid of getting diabetes. So for three and a half weeks, I ate nothing but salad, a tiny amount of fruit, an even tinier amount of chicken, and drank nothing but water. In those three and a half weeks, I didn't lose a pound. In fact, I still gained. I gave up on the diet thing, but now I moderate myself semi-strictly, and I've been exercizing for a few weeks now, at an average rate of twice per week. Though I haven't been at it very long, I've noticed new sets of striations, no longer limited to just my thighs- it's starting on my upper arms, breasts and armpits, too. What the hell is going on with my body?
I suck at math. I am just horrible. No matter how many times Rasmussen helps me, it's always too fast, not complete enough.. ugh. We're doing this linear thing where we have to solve for three equations at once, with three variables in each. It's incredibly difficult for me, and I've decided because there's no set way of doing things or a logical process. I'm tired of this bullshit. School in general is just horrible. I saW a drug deal the other day when emerging from Ms. Sams' room, yesterday I got the wind knocked out of me by a girl who slammed her backpack into my chest when she whirled around, gave me a funny look when I fell into the locker door next to me, then just trotted away. Bitch.
I'm tired of the constant disrepair of our house. I mean, I can understand if it's a little messy, but Danny and Anna's complete disregard for our living conditions just makes me sick. The table is covered, literally, in a half inch of cereal, crumbs, dog hair and dried butter/jelly abomination because they won't clean up after themselves. Then there's the bathroom downstairs.. ugh. For the love of God. Danny can't aim. He leaves his shit-filled underpants and school pants everywhere, leaving something very unpleasant for us all to smell and step in.
Today I was really, really upset about my math when I looked over to my corkboard, a place where I keep seven or so of my favorite small calendar pictures of wolves- kind of gives me some peace when I'm angry, and they're the inspiration for much of my scratchboards. When I looked at them.. I just felt my stomach sink. Right away I knew it was Anna.. nobody else would have done something like it. The tacs for my pictures had been moved around, stuck through the wolves' eyes, noses, and most other parts of their bodies.. rendering the pictures useless when it comes to art, and no longer something enjoyable to look at, as their eyes have been poked out. Anna later came in, admitted she did it and said she was sorry. That was really brave and nice of her, however, I was still pissed as hell. I told her not to touch anything in my room, she agreed, and that was that.
Tiff's dad is off to Maryland again. He has a tumor in his colon, and they don't know if this one's cancerous. There's a chance he could die there.. which would mean sort of good and some very sad things. One good thing, she wouldn't have to deal with his verbal abuses anymore, and he would no longer be around to alienate her friends. However, his passing would mean that her mother would need to move back to Florida because she can't make the house payments without her dad's income. Which means that Tiff has a choice. I've talked it over with my mom, and she says it's fine if Tiff lives here, as long as her mom is okay with it. She can either stay here among all the friendships she's built up over the past few years, or go back to her old life in the south, where she'll be with her mom. With that choice, we've decided not to think any deeper into it, until the situation comes around- hopefully it won't.