Ouch. What an emotionally draining day. The most minor of cases, I'm a day over the absence limit in school, which means I have to turn in an appeal stating the reason I was absent so many times. My reason for being absent? We had the final funeral for my Uncle Steve today. It came on kind of suddenly, I only found out yesterday morning. Yeah, he died a little over a year ago on Christmas night, was cremated and I think either sent home with my aunt or his parents. It took them this long to decide what they wanted to do with his remains, I think, which in the end was to bury them. So we all stayed home from school and left at twelve or so for the cemetary in Minneapolis, where mom and us kids got lost because there were like four cemetaries meshed together into one huge place, so we entered through the Sunset, and then found out we were supposed to be in Hillside, so we were late but thankfully everyone waited for us. When we arrived, the white box of his remains was against the memorial with Suzie crying over it, one of her friends holding her as the friends and family members gathered around the circular area. Us, as family, were up front next to Suzie. So the priest did his little thing, we had a brief prayer, and that was that. It was an absolutely perfect day outside. There were little birds everywhere singing their little songs, the sky was clear, the sun was bright straight up in the sky but cold enough so the snow wasn't melting. That gave Suzie a lot of comfort. Then we all went to an Italian restaurant, where I ordered some yummy tortellini and sat at the table with my three siblings and my cousins. Anna and cousin Tim at the table together is always a comical experience.. this time he ended up with a straw full of Sprite blown all over his nice shirt xD. We sat around and talked for a while, so when the group broke and said our goodbyes, mom took us to a used bookstore across the street. Holy. Shit. Wow. I have never been to a more inspiring bookstore in my life. It's just a tiny hole in the wall store across the street from the restaurant. Despite it's small appearance, it goes very far back and has a large basement full of bookshelves. I loved it there. It was so.. wow. I don't even know how to describe it. The smell, the dim lighting, the visual of narrow hallways and corridors between bookshelves all made for a wonderful experience. I'll stop before I sound high.
Anyways. I found an awesome little four-book encyclopedia set on four types of land area in America. I could get the whole thing for about $28, instead of the original $56. We put that on hold, as well as a martial arts book that I'll hopefully get to Dan at his birthday party. We found a HUGE antique Bible.. it was really incredible, and also extremely expensive. So we put that back on the shelf.
Well, the really cool part of today is that Dan turned 18. Whee! So after the bookstore we went to his house and waited for him to come home from college and we watched him play Jedi for a while (we meaning Pat and I), then hung out downstairs when he went to get dinner. Afterwards he came back with a huge birthday card from his dad, with "HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY" spelled out in five dollar bills across the front, decorated with paper cutouts of balloons and confetti. I thought it was pretty creative. He got some gift cards and a package of wafer cookies. Hehe. So we hung out until 9:30 pm, then mom picked us up and brought us home, where the dogs proceeded to run away.
So after a fifteen minute interlude, dad (who had already been woken up three times earlier) and I went out to find them. We spent about ten minute out and about, then came back to find them sitting on our front step. We let them in, then everyone went their seperate ways to bed. And now.. I'm extremely tired. Ouch.
Yeah. I'm going to bed.
I've had a decent week, as far as I can remember.. I hate my memory. Ungh. I really, really feel awful about missing the orchestra concert. I remember, back when I was a freshman, that being a senior soloist was like going to be the highlight of high school. I was forced out of orchestra this year due to academic needs, and because of AP art and math class I wasn't able to organize anything outside of school anyway. So I figured I'd at least go to the concert. For god's sake. I feel so stupid. Though I was sick on that day, I would've forced myself and my parents out of the house, if for the sole reason of seeing Angie and Brendan play. I guess, to sum it up, I'm really disappointed in myself.
On the upside, Dan visited me on Thursday (the second day I was sick) and hung out with me for a while. Then Friday I was back in school, where I was burdened by a huge dump of homework from all four classes. The days off were worth it though. I felt rested for the first time since first quarter. So Friday night I went to Dan's and spent the night, where we cuddled and watched movies while Cooch fought to install drivers on his computer across the room, however would not let Dan help. So yeah. The next day Cooch left for work at nine, leaving his stuff, so Dan fixed his computer for him, installed drivers and tuned things up as I played with Poser animations. Oh, yeah. I know how to animate the 3d models now! Squee! Anyways, after that, Dan's mom came home and gave us twenty dollars to get dinner. So we went to Acapulco (who I personally believe to be sub-par to El Loro :P) and had dinner. It was quite nice. Then we went back to his house, transferred my crazy animations and stuff onto his laptop in preparation for him to come to my house for the night. Apparently his grandpa died- while the files were moving the phone rang, then his mom called him upstairs. Dan wasn't terribly upset, as he hasn't seen his grandpa since he was tiny and thought he was a jerk anyway, and his mom didn't seem too devastated either, but she was still sad. So no plans were hindered, and we came to my house. Dan installed Jedi Academy on Pat's computer, which took quite a while and while he did that I showed my parents my animations and then sat on my computer to make some more. I went upstairs after a while to talk to mom, and when I returned Dan was fixing something unstable about his site, and I continued animating. Around midnight the computers were shut off, then we cuddled up and watched the last disc of Hellsing that he had rented for me from Netflix. We then went to bed, then woke up today around ten thirty. He installed another hard drive in my computer since I was running a little low on space, then installed Jedi Academy and all its mods. Then he had to leave, since his mom wanted him home at one. Since, I've been sitting in bed doing my load of homework. I've busted through all the math, though I hardly understood it (as usual), did my independent living nebulizer research project, now I have to balance my independent living checkbook (BLARGH) and finish my reaction paper on abortion for Law class, in which I sound like a freaking holy roller x.x;.
Anyways. Have a nice day.
Bored. Boredboredbored. Over the course of the week, my entire family has had the flu. I guess it's my turn, cuz I feel shitty. Like.. wretching gut shitty. I haven't thrown up yet, but I sure feel like it, and my throat keeps tightening up. I don't have a fever though, and I only feel really sick when walking around. I should be back in school tomorrow, but I'm not entirely sure, as this could take a turn for the worse, which is why I stayed home today fearing that I might up-chuck in school.
I've been playing with Poser again. I got an anime doll that I've been morphing and stuff. It's pretty fun. I've also starting playing with lights a little more, and once I get my super-computer, I'll be able to render cooler stuff cuz it won't rip my machine to pieces.
Yeah.. nothing else to say.. or do... blah.
Well, since starting up medication again only two days ago, I already feel a lot better. I still get sad when things bother me, but it's a lot less tragic and I can handle myself a ton better. Yes!
Part of my mood was probably contributed to by my period situation...
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Despite my massive effort to once and for all understand math, nothing is coming along smoothly. I don't understand anything we're doing in Algebra II right now. I've asked the teacher three times to assist me in figuring it out, and all three times she's gone way too fast for me to follow and then lost patience and told me to figure it out. Thanks for nothing bitch. Blah.
In Computer Programming, I'm actually a day ahead of most everybody, I think. I finished chapter 7 early in the hour, and read into chapter 8 as they were finishing their stuff. The kids next to me are way behind.. the douchebag to my left is on chapter 6, and the nice but always-absent kid on my right is on chapter 4. So I get very little assistance, which is okay, because it forces me to figure it out myself. And, when in extreme doubt, I could always ask Brandon or the teacher.
Law and Independent Living are both bad and good. Law, when Ms. Gresser isn't around, is just awesome. We don't do anything except the occassional assignment she gives the sub to give us. When she's there though.. ugh. She's like the bishiest woman ever.
Then there's Hofkes.. wow. I haven't even done anything in her class but follow directions, and one could cut the tension between us with a knife. She really, really hates me, and for what reason, I don't know. Not to so sound judgmental or anything.. but wtf is up with her hair? x.x; Isn't she supposed to be the fashion teacher?
Anyways. That's my life briefed. Dan and I are doing fine, Tiff's dad does in fact have cancer, but it sounds like the operation is coming along just peachy. So that's all good.
Yeah, I'm better now. I'm very drained and tired, but I'm okay. I've decided I'm going to get help again. I went a good, stable seven months without Prozac after about a year of taking it, so that's a start. I talked with mom about it and I think she's going to set me up with a more helpful counselor than my last, and both of us have extra meds from our last prescriptions to take me through a couple months, so we're good for now. Hopefully it will help me as well as it did last time. I hate being chemically dependent.. but sometimes it has to happen for things to get better. It's certainly better than being unable to do things because I'm just incapacitated with grief about absolutely nothing specific.
So yeah. I hope for the best. I went to church, then went to New China Buffet with my family for Danny's birthday, and Pat's friend Nathan came along. It's a good thing I wasn't still suicidal at that point because my fortune read: "Your present plans are going to succeed." Morbid x.x;. Nathan's was hilarious, and so was Pat's. Patricks read, "Dance like no one is watching!" and Nathan's said "Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today." Where the hell do these people get these things? Well, my family had a good laugh at the end of the meal, which was great, and the people there custom made a cake for us to put candles in and sing happy birthday, and Danny was also exempt from the bill. The people working there are so nice- they hardly speak any English, but they try really hard. The waitress didn't know the language well enough to sing the birthday song with us, but she hummed and clapped along. It was joyful.
And now I'm back home. Aww! Sort of to contribute to my series of furry pictures of us, Dan is making 3D renderings of our digital swordsmen characters through Poser. They're just adorable! I have one set as my background now. So cute.
I need to shower. So I think I'll do that now. Goodnight!
I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. The anger, the instability, everything. I was just fine an hour ago. Then I suddenly got unreasonably angry at Dan, went to exercize and achieved nothing but hurting myself by pulling a muscle in my side and twisting my ankles twice in my fucking shoes.
Then I come back, he offers to have me come over. For a minute I'm happy, until I realize I can't. Then my mood just crumbles. Once again, crying like a fucking pussy baby. I need to be beaten or something. Maybe it will beat sense into me? It's about the only alternative aside from ending it all together, letting Dan move on to someone prettier, happier, some chick who has a point to her existence. Letting my parents have one less mouth to feed, less dead weight to drive around, less college to pay for. Because everything in this world is money and gas, you know. My "friends" would have one less acquaintance to deal with, have to ignore no more of my problems. Life would be sweet, wouldn't it? I only wish I could live it well.
Something's wrong. But I don't know what.
What an awesome weekend. Aside from me being all emo and moody for no good reason, I've had a great time. I skipped school on Friday, under consent of my parents so I wouldn't get in trouble. I helped them bake and clean house for Danny's birthday party which was yesterday, and sat around and played a ton of my Outdoor Adventures hunting and fishing game. Wow I'm a dork. Anyways. Dan surprised me around eleven, as I was baking a cake and neither of my parents were home; mom had just left for a church thing and dad had left earlier for a work thing, and apparently as she was leaving she gave him permission to let himself into the house. It freaked me out, cuz I looked from the kitchen down the stairs, so the rail was blocking his face from view but I saw a brown leather jacket that was neither of my parents', and had a moment of panic before I realized it was Dan. Then I was extremely pleased and happy, and I hugged him, then he hung out with me as I baked the cakes and sat with me as I played some more of my game. Later we didn't do much, just kind of sat around and watched TV. He slept over. Whee.
Saturday was Danny's party. We had it set up so that the little guys could use my computer, Danny's and Patricks computers to play Red Alert and Dan joined in for a while on his laptop. We also had plans to go at three to find a prom dress.
Tiff came over, cuz she wanted to shop with mom and I, and since she was going I think Dan didn't feel he was required to go or something. Which is fine, and I said he didn't have to go if he didn't want, but I was a little disappointed that he said he would go and then didn't. Oh well, no huge deal. So myself, Tiff and mom went to the first and last place: Classy Consignments in Anoka, the same place we got my pretty purple one at last year. There were three in the window that were really, really gorgeous. One was yellow, which I thought "meh" when I saw it hanging there, then a blue one whose only flaws were the massive fake flowers all over it, and then a hot pink one that had beaded and embroidered green leaves and gold flowers up the center front, looking very oriental and straight. Upon closer examination of sizes, it turned out that only the yellow and blue would fit. First I tried the yellow. Holy cow, it fit me really well. We spent like twenty minutes gah-ing over me in the three way mirror, because it fit so well and is pretty unique looking, with the pink and green strip down the side. After that I tried on the blue one, which was pretty, but unfortunately a tad too big in the torso, plus I didn't like the flowers. The yellow one though was just.. I dunno. Perfect I guess. I'm not much of a fan of yellow, but for some reason it looks really good on me. So yes, we bought the yellow one, which ended up being more expensive (x.x; $240) than my purple one, which was like $160, but mom says it's worth every penny. Afterwards we went to Wal Mart to get Tiff some glass slippers like mine. Wow. All of a sudden they're in style I guess, because there were at least six different styles that had a glass heel. We found some that were so cool, both of us are going to be wearing them to prom. They're silver, with a glass outer sole and heel- but the coolest thing about them are that they light up! The flash red, yellow and green whenever you take a step in them. In a dark room underneath a full skirt, we'll be pretty noticable, which will be fun. Then mom went and treated us to make up! Ahhhh! We got new shampoo and conditioner, and I got two new mascaras, purple eyeliner and a different kind of eyelash curler. Yey for being girly. Anyways, that was that, and we went home.
Once home, I got my stuff together, put it in the car and mom dropped us off at the New China Buffet so we could have dinner, since we were both in the mood for Chinese. We finished just as mom arrived back from delivering cookies in Elk River, and we went to Tiff's house. Not much happened from there, we had happy fun time and Sims, and figured out how we're gonna do our makeup when the day comes.
Today I think Danny's party with the family begins. We're being taken out to eat by my grandma to a chinese restaurant of some sort, and probably other activities I don't know about yet. Yey.
This kinda scares me...
Symptoms vary, but most people have upper body obesity, rounded face, increased fat around the neck, and thinning arms and legs. Children tend to be obese with slowed growth rates.
Other symptoms appear in the skin, which becomes fragile and thin. It bruises easily and heals poorly. Purplish pink stretch marks may appear on the abdomen, thighs, buttocks, arms and breasts. The bones are weakened, and routine activities such as bending, lifting or rising from a chair may lead to backaches, rib and spinal column fractures.
I have just about all that.. no fractures, and no striae on my abdomen, but otherwise it sounds accurate. However, there are some things that quite obviously don't match up. I don't take hormones of any kind, and I don't think I have any adrenal or pituitary tumors.. I guess it's not place to say though, as I can't look at my own insides without assistance :P. But the skin fragility and backaches are certainly true. Damn you cortisol. If only it weren't so important.
I'm so sick of.. everything. Myself, my one-sided relationships, my inability to lose weight, my complete lack of math knowledge, sick of our school, sick of our house, and kinda sick of my family, too.
I'm tired of not being able to give back to my friends. Nauta drives me to fun events on occassion, Tiff drives me to and from school, as well as giving up some of her old dresses and clothes to help me get a new one, pays for my lunch at the mall, pays for Taco Bell every once in a while when we're at Dan's, and Dan.. pays for more than I can even mention. I mean, aside from the expensive machine, he's blown probably five hundred dollars on me, probably more. I might not let onto it, but I really feel horrible, people buying me things, when I can't either return the favor or even provide for myself. To provide for myself, I need a job, and for a job I need a car, and to use I car I need a license, and to get that license I need experience and my behind the wheel certificate. My certificate seems to be missing, and my parents, even in my mom's unemployment and my dad's stay at home worktime, have not yet had time to take me driving.
Yeah.. if there's not a medical reason for my "rapid weight gain" or whatever, I think I might break down. As you have probably read, a couple months ago or so I was afraid of getting diabetes. So for three and a half weeks, I ate nothing but salad, a tiny amount of fruit, an even tinier amount of chicken, and drank nothing but water. In those three and a half weeks, I didn't lose a pound. In fact, I still gained. I gave up on the diet thing, but now I moderate myself semi-strictly, and I've been exercizing for a few weeks now, at an average rate of twice per week. Though I haven't been at it very long, I've noticed new sets of striations, no longer limited to just my thighs- it's starting on my upper arms, breasts and armpits, too. What the hell is going on with my body?
I suck at math. I am just horrible. No matter how many times Rasmussen helps me, it's always too fast, not complete enough.. ugh. We're doing this linear thing where we have to solve for three equations at once, with three variables in each. It's incredibly difficult for me, and I've decided because there's no set way of doing things or a logical process. I'm tired of this bullshit. School in general is just horrible. I saW a drug deal the other day when emerging from Ms. Sams' room, yesterday I got the wind knocked out of me by a girl who slammed her backpack into my chest when she whirled around, gave me a funny look when I fell into the locker door next to me, then just trotted away. Bitch.
I'm tired of the constant disrepair of our house. I mean, I can understand if it's a little messy, but Danny and Anna's complete disregard for our living conditions just makes me sick. The table is covered, literally, in a half inch of cereal, crumbs, dog hair and dried butter/jelly abomination because they won't clean up after themselves. Then there's the bathroom downstairs.. ugh. For the love of God. Danny can't aim. He leaves his shit-filled underpants and school pants everywhere, leaving something very unpleasant for us all to smell and step in.
Today I was really, really upset about my math when I looked over to my corkboard, a place where I keep seven or so of my favorite small calendar pictures of wolves- kind of gives me some peace when I'm angry, and they're the inspiration for much of my scratchboards. When I looked at them.. I just felt my stomach sink. Right away I knew it was Anna.. nobody else would have done something like it. The tacs for my pictures had been moved around, stuck through the wolves' eyes, noses, and most other parts of their bodies.. rendering the pictures useless when it comes to art, and no longer something enjoyable to look at, as their eyes have been poked out. Anna later came in, admitted she did it and said she was sorry. That was really brave and nice of her, however, I was still pissed as hell. I told her not to touch anything in my room, she agreed, and that was that.
Tiff's dad is off to Maryland again. He has a tumor in his colon, and they don't know if this one's cancerous. There's a chance he could die there.. which would mean sort of good and some very sad things. One good thing, she wouldn't have to deal with his verbal abuses anymore, and he would no longer be around to alienate her friends. However, his passing would mean that her mother would need to move back to Florida because she can't make the house payments without her dad's income. Which means that Tiff has a choice. I've talked it over with my mom, and she says it's fine if Tiff lives here, as long as her mom is okay with it. She can either stay here among all the friendships she's built up over the past few years, or go back to her old life in the south, where she'll be with her mom. With that choice, we've decided not to think any deeper into it, until the situation comes around- hopefully it won't.
I wasn't able to do my tests on Friday. Apparently I have to do the jug test before the blood, so I'll have to do that today, since Tiff and I were going out on Saturday. Then on monday morning we'll go back to the hospital, turn in my jug and get my bloodwork done. Then we'll set up a gyno appointment, at some point get my cramp meds, and all will be well with the world.
Squeal! I have two points of exciting news. And one point of kinda shitty news.
The first, and most important, is that mom found a job! What's so exciting about it is that it's at a hospital where she can make a fresh start. Even better, the hospital is right here in CR so she won't have to drive an hour and a half both ways. And, the best part is it's more pay. She gets paid two dollars more there during the day, and three dollars more on evening shifts. She's also in float pool now, which means that sometimes she's going to be at other hospitals, but they'll pay her $45-50 an hour for it. Sweet!
Second point of happy news. On Friday Dan really.. REALLY pleasantly surprised me. That morning I was kinda sad he wasn't at the breakfast table, but when he eventually turned up, he put down some papers from Newegg in front of me and said he was going to buy those parts and build me that computer. I was like... HOLY SHIT DUDE. It's almost $800, and in some ways a little better than even his gaming machine. My parents would never drop money anything over $400 for me, so that was quite exciting. This is the link to the case he's getting for me- http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.a
The point of disheartening news is that my dress doesn't fit anymore. My chest is to big.. of all parts. -.- Fudge. In a way that's good though.. it means I get a new one. However, who knows if it'll be as good quality, and it means money. So I'm gonna get some clothes together and take them somewhere to get money for one. Tiff says she has a couple dresses she could help me out with.. that would be cool. But yeah. How am I supposed lose breast weight?? X.x;